How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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