If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
