i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
