I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
