WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize