I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
