the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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