i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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