Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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