Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
