Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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