Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
