Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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