I showed him my bush... on skype.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
