The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
