Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize