There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Blood and glitter go together right?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
