i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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