I just pynch a tree in the face
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
