enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
