this beer tastes like vomit already
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
