Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
