Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The dick lei will go down in squad history
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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