wrigley field is MILF paradise
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
