Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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