Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
