I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
