Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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