you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
