I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
