My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
