I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
