Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
