very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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