Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
