If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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