so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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