I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
