Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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