Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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