so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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