Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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