Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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