youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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