Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
