So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
