Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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