remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
