happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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