Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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