I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
