New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
