mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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