I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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