so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
