just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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