you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
