My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
