2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize