K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
